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FEMININE SPIRITUALITY
by Anita Floris

Introduction

‘Why bring in these opposites, of masculine and feminine? Why not reach for the Non-dual and take it from there? We can arise above these differences and find that they do not matter. And then find a new way to be a man or a woman again.’

I am impressed every time I hear this, the spiritual implications dumbfounds me. Sometimes I have enough wit about me to ask: so how do you get to that non-dual state to begin with? ‘Just letting go - of everything.’ O, right, I see.

Who doesn’t want to reach for the Non-dual? I am never quiet blunt enough to say: But by not calling it masculine doesn’t make it non-dual. That path still is masculine, by that I don’t mean wrong or mistaken. That path just has not risen above the opposites, even though it likes to talk about the non-dual.

In this article I explore the characteristics of the feminine compared to the masculine path. I will be outlining the differences in practice, language and experiences.

There were several reasons for me to write this article. When we want to communicate our experiences we need words. And words also seem to have the extraordinary capacity to trigger experiences. I have found how strongly words influenced my meditative experiences and by clarifying the language we use that it will help both men and women

We often think that by using the same words we mean the same thing, but just as often we don’t and we don’t always quite get the feeling of the word.

I realize that by using terms like feminine and masculine, a lot of readers have already formed an opinion. Masculine might mean anything from a direction providing strong presence to an insensitive mind-locked chauvinistic pig. Even though we know that female and feminine are not quite the same, feminine spirituality is sometimes used to mean ‘spirituality for women’. The need to clarify the terms we use will contribute to a clearer communication and I expect also to open up more possibilities to approach the Infinite.

As said a reason to distinguish between masculine and feminine practices is that it forces us to look at how we articulate our experiences. Words express our thought and feelings, but just as important, the words we use may bring about a certain experience in our meditation.

This is shown in the Big Mind/Big Heart process that Genpo Roshi has developed. In this process Roshi asks to speak to a part of us, ‘the critique’, ‘the protector’, ‘Big Mind’, ‘Big Heart’, ‘Non-grasping mind’. Each of these names brings about a different experience.

Ken Wilber uses the three perspectives (first, second and third person) to show different ways to approach God, the ‘1-2-3- of God’ (also Terry Patten on the CD in the integral life practice kit). Each perspective brings about a different experience. The beauty in this distinction is that is shows us that we just use different language to describe the same thing. As soon as that is clear, we can choose to either remain in our preferred domain and reject all others or honour the differences and perceive the Oneness.

Throughout the centuries and in different cultures, experiences have found their way into words and stories that have been told and retold until they became religions and traditions. What would have happened if the traditions had not had masculine terms to express their experiences? What would happen to us now, if we could only use feminine terms to express ourselves with? What would they do to the experiences that they instigate?

Feminine and masculine terminology

Here are some of the qualities I would categorize as characteristic of either feminine spirituality or masculine spirituality:

Masculine
Emptiness
Detachment
Nothingness
Oneness
Letting go
Freedom
Agency
Path of the Seer: the witness
Eros
Presence

Feminine
Fullness/Form
Embrace
All
Many
Relating/Completion
Connection
Communion
Path of the Seen: that that is being witnessed.
Agape
Surrender

(Terminology collected from the works of Wilber, Deida and Hart)

These are terms we use to describe spiritual practice, and each concept seems to have an opposite, which is the other side of the coin.

The terms on the left side are terms that are most often used in traditional practices. Because this path wants to move upwards, Ken Wilber calls it the path of the Ascender. This path has been practiced for centuries; it has been documented and has acknowledged many individuals (both men and women) who have attained liberation through this path.

After having followed a traditional path, woefully failed at it, shamefully admitted that I had no spiritual muscles, then against all odds had to acknowledge that my meditation practice seemed to develop involuntarily, I invented my own path. Encouraged by Wilber’s work I finally found recognition when reading Deida and Hillary Hart’s work.

I began to look for signs in other women that supported my experience. At first it was not so easy. Initially, I noticed that many women said that they felt comfortable with the masculine terms, and did not seem to recognize my point and the terms that I favoured. As I went in deeper in the conversation, I began to notice that as they described their meditation experiences in more detail, they experienced the same things I did. The emptiness they went into was not that empty, but the meditation touched their heart, and left them fulfilled and completed rather than liberated.

Many women did not seem to be that bothered about the words being either masculine or feminine. Whatever the suggestions, they seemed to naturally slide into an experience that I would have signified with feminine terms. They didn’t seem to react as sensitive to the words that were used to induce an experience.

Since emptiness is form, this is not all that strange.

Perhaps David Deida’s work explains this. He observed that the majority of men are drawn to the masculine and the majority of women are drawn to the feminine. He points out that women and men develop in three stages (‘God as Eros’ and ‘Communion’). In the first stage, they display these gender qualities in a traditional way. Their roles are clearly outlined, and they behave as typical men and women. Then, at stage two, women explore their autonomy and independence, and men search for their feminine side. Women have careers, and men work less and spend more time with their children. Deida calls these relationships 50-50. Equality is the highest goal. Men and women are taking on the roles that before were reserved only for the opposite sex.

Then, when (and if) men and women discover that however long and hard they try, women will not get as fulfilled from autonomy and independence, and men conclude that they do not feel as vibrant when they get into their emotions. But having experienced the other side, and come to a deeper understanding of the opposite sex, this new expression of their masculinity or femininity is no longer dogmatic or static. The sharp edges have been taken off.

I am not sure how this influences the experience of feminine and/or masculine paths. When at the 50-50 stage two, people might be less inclined to label their experiences as masculine or feminine, but might feel more comfortable with and attach higher value to experiencing both.

The ‘equality-regime’ has done its work too thoroughly here and there. Unfortunately to some ‘masculine’ is a contaminated term that has lost all positive meaning, it has come to stand for ‘egotistic, male chauvinistic, mind-stuck pigs’.

Though Deida sees only three stages, in Non Dual spirituality there is another stage, of course -- that of the Non Dual. It is there that opposites will have been transcended and included. That would be stage four. The 50-50 stage might feel closer to the nondual then bringing the differences back in. In all honesty, I am not sure that it is absolutely necessary to have experienced Deida’s stage three before entering into the Non Dual.

Feminine and masculine practice

Masculine practice

The masculine path has been described in great detail, and has proved itself in practice. Its results are documented.

Part of the masculine path often includes such practices as fasting, and control of impulses and desires. This path sees the world as something that needs to be transcended; anything that draws them back down can be seen as a hindrance. Masculine spiritual practice seems to progress by achieving something, like control of something, or achieving an insight.

Masculine practices are often characterized by suspicion toward ‘earthly life’ (Christianity), ‘ego’ (Buddhism, Hinduism and many others), ‘maya’, and ‘separateness caused by the self’. This causes practitioners to isolate themselves from the world, as it is seen as a distraction that hinders the path toward liberation. The masculine path often prescribes abstinence, fasting and other austerities. That is why it is called the path of the Ascender, which moves away form earthly life.

Pleasure is seen as something that exists to lure the practitioner away from his path. That pleasure is often symbolized by ‘the woman’, Eve.

Many people feel that emptiness is an experience of a sense of liberation; for them it is a relief to let go of everything that can be released.

At work here is the drive of Eros: the love from the lower for the higher, the drive to move upwards. Wilber also calls this path of the seer, the witness. As described in The Simple Feeling of Being, (a quote from "The Deconstruction of the World Trade Center"):

So tell me: Who are you?

You are not your thoughts, for you are aware of them. You are not your feelings, for you are aware of them. You are not any objects that you can see, for you are aware of them too.

Something in you is aware of all these things. So tell me: What is it in you that is conscious of everything?

What is it in you that is always awake? Always fully present? Something in you right now is effortlessly noticing everything that arises. What is that?

That vast infinite witnessing awareness, don't you recognize it?

What is that Witness?

You are that Witness, aren't you? You are the pure Seer, pure awareness, the pure Spirit that impartially witnesses everything that arises, moment to moment. Your awareness is spacious, wide open, empty and clear, and yet it registers everything that arises.

It seems that men can be more genuinely present during day to day life after they have emptied themselves in meditation, and become one with emptiness. (not as full of themselves)

Feminine practice

The universe contains both emptiness and form, the un-manifest and the manifest. Big Heart, or the Goddess, wants to be manifest in the world. She wants to be seen and expressed. What is there to be manifested in? Rock, nature, stuff, mankind. Human beings are expressed through the ego, the self. It is like the ego is the clay that Spirit uses to become tangible in this world.

This is Agape, the love of the higher for the lower, the drive of the divine to be manifest. The knowledge that the sacred is present in all, in everything, with no need to achieve or to attain. The Path of the Seen. As there is a path of the seer, the witness, there is the path of that that is being witnessed. The essence of all that is manifest is expressed in the many changing appearances of the natural flow of shapes and forms.

‘She’ presents herself to him, ever changing; no matter how or where he shifts his focus, it is always ‘she’ who appears.

She cannot be ‘the many’ by letting go or detaching. She can only be all that by embracing, a radical process, as relentless as that of letting go. She cannot shrivel or avoid anything; she needs to face everything there is.

One of the strongest drives the feminine path has is that of longing. As much as the masculine path wants to put a ceiling on desires, the feminine path needs to unravel the core of what longing conceals. Hilary Hart mentioned this in her book, The Unknown She. (pg30)

Longing is part of the nature of women. ...

The aching emptiness, need to be loved, sense of loss or incompletion that women so often experience as second nature can be the longing to go Home, the longing of what is real calling for them to return. This longing will lead a woman where she needs to go. It will bring her to the experiences she needs in order to fulfil her life here on earth.

Here longing becomes the drive to union, completion, to the highest yoga, the most sacred drive to the Utmost Unity.

The longing is always there, but longing needs to be increased by love, and this process is not always easy, or safe, and can go against deep conditioning in women, conditioning that serves to protect her wholeness, her security. So there is a fearlessness involved, a willingness to be loved and to love without conditions, to accept unconditionally what god gives you, even when it is painful. (pg36)

To be able to go to the core of longing means to experience longing, not cringing from the pain, but allowing it to be, not falling into the trap of becoming a victim or a doormat. She needs to be able to experience the longing as the heart that is being awakened, that wants to shine, love, and be radiant and present in the world.

In order to do that, she needs to be emotionally mature. She cannot be identified with the victim, the damaged self, or any other old injuries. This is why it is important for those who follow this path to work on their shadow, the unconscious, the disowned voices and parts of us. She cannot afford to confuse injured parts with Big Heart, or get stuck in the victim or any other sub-personality because that will stop the flow of being.

Therefore she does not detach from emotions, or let go. She explores her feelings, and lets go of only the personal drama that on the surface seems to bring forth these emotions. She learns that it is the other way around. She has emotions, they are not what she is, but they are the tools with which the Unmanifest becomes manifest. And so she learns that there is a part of her that is uninjured.

On the level of the soul, there is a place within all women that is uninjured and inviolable. It is from here that psychological wounds of violation and abuse can be healed. Yet some wounds might never be healed, and this does not matter because we belong to God, and in His hands we do not suffer self-pity. (pg 37)

When women have experienced their True Nature as Fulfilment or Ultimate Connectedness, there is no more sense of neediness, and they too will be more genuinely present.

Feminine spiritual practice seems to progress when the heart is opened. The heart can be opened by many emotions, longing, pain, and joy. At the surface, these emotions might seem to be painful and unpleasant. At their deepest core, we can experience that these emotions stem from Big Heart, which is All compassionate, which will love at all costs. At the core of all of that is a Vibrant Joy and Love. These emotions will only become suffocating when they remain stuck in personal drama. Even so, personal drama can be the leverage that helps to uncover the source of life and ground of all being. Like in the practice of Tonlen; Pain and ego are waving a red flag, we breathe it in and breathe love out. In the end the difference between love and pain dissolves. Pain was just a disguise for love.

Deida mentions a natural drive within the feminine to surrender, to be completed and fulfilled. Doom and leverage lie close. In its distorted expressions, she will resort to the negative ways to be fulfilled. Seeing the Light of Love in all, refusing to take the outer appearance seriously, she can go back to the wrong guy time and time again.

As the masculine grows through insight, the feminine grows through love and opening her heart. That drives her to surrender and open up. She needs to have found her inner autonomy before she can surrender freely. Her surrender is not that of the lower for the higher, the way I see it, it is a free and open choice, which is as demanding as any general could be. It can only be taken on by a clear unwavering presence.

The dance between the two

When both practices are acknowledged, when ‘she’ will be the many and experience the One, when ‘he’ will be the One and honour the many, they’ll enter a cosmic dance.

Perhaps when we appreciate the terminology of both practices our communication will reflect that. Too often I have had to battle with spiritual practitioners even in the integral community to defend the feminine path, because communion and emotions are easily labelled as ‘green’ or as ‘ego’ both of which need to be transcended.

I actually got that desperate that I took the opportunity at the Integral Life practice week for women last year to appeal to Ken Wilber to support me on this. His one-liner: “Masculine ego, tell ‘em it’s their masculine ego” was really all I needed for them to be quiet long enough to listen to me to make my point.

Since then we have actually begun to recognize the confusion that arises when we listen to each other solely from our preferred language. When someone calls for the need to not abandon heart and feelings, there is no longer the judgement of neediness or ego (or ‘green’). When another speaks about the self that stands in the way of the experience of emptiness, because the self so brings about concepts and feelings I notice others than me nudge one another, whispering ‘masculine path’, instead of feeling the need to .

We can make a beginning now to what we are meant to do together. To support each others strengths and make is show up as complete and healthy as possible to honour Spirit in either polarity.