Vast Emptiness, Nothing Sacred
July 21, 2006 21:40

~posted by Clint

Emperor Wu once asked Bodhidharma, "What is the main point of Buddhist teaching?" To this Bodhidharma replied: "Vast emptiness, nothing sacred." When we came across the following Ken Wilber humor on the web recently, we couldn’t help but laugh. After all, Bodhidharma was right. Transcendence restores humor. Ken once wrote about too many representatives of too many movements lacking humor, lacking a distance from themselves, a distance from the ego and its grim game of forcing others to conform to its contours. He continued: “They should all trade two pounds of ego for once ounce of laughter.” The best Ken Wilber humor we could find is below. Consider it our trade....

Random Ken Wilber Facts

-Ken Wilber has mastered over 40 different styles of martial arts, including three that are unknown to any other human, living or dead.

-Ken Wilber doesn't shave his head. He long ago willed his hair to stop growing.

-During a recent session of advanced kundalini meditation, Ken Wilber spontaneously combusted, then arose out of the ash reborn. This cycle has been repeated since the dawn of man's conception of time.

-Ken Wilber can go from ego to nondual in 3.9 seconds.

-George Lucas based the original Star Wars trilogy over a story Ken told him at a bar, about his social traumas and struggles during childhood.

-Ken Wilber has transcended transcendence.

-Ken Wilber's middle name is Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber is behind you right now.

-Ken Wilber can reproduce asexually, by mitosis.

-There is no Alpha and Omega, there is only Ken Wilber

-By using Ken Wilber's abdominal muscles as a rudimentary abacus, one can convert anything to the metric system.

-By playing back any quote from Ken Wilber, assigning each letter a number, reversing the order, and translating to Hebrew can one find the Secret Name of God.

-He was on the Internet before computers were even thought of.

-Four of the Five Books of Moses were inspired by Ken Wilber's experiences as a pastoral nomad during the Middle Bronze Age.

-The crater in the Yucatan Peninsula was created when Ken Wilber's spaceship ran out of fuel and crashed into the face of the earth. Ken is sorry about the dinosaurs

-Ken Wilber glows under black light.

-Once Ken Wilber had an epiphany and it resulted with the manifestation of all 57 varieties of Heinz (including the green and purple ketchup).

-Ken Wilber can divide by zero.

-The Inuit tribe of North America has 37 words for Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber can see in the dark, but only by making a high pitched squeal, and feeling the vibrations of it reflecting off of other surfaces. Bats learned this from Ken Wilber.

-You can determine Ken Wilber's age by cutting off his leg and counting the rings.

-He can say, with a straight face, that a certain developmental level enjoys having sex with all sentient beings... for a reason.

-Billy Corgan was a failed attempt to clone Ken Wilber.

-All the guest speakers on IN are really just various facets and manifestations of the true Ken Wilber.

-The first time Ken Wilber went to the dentist, he opened his mouth, and his dentist saw the entire universe.

-Ken Wilber is sitting on your Original Face.

-Ken Wilber never needs dental anesthesia; he knows how to Transcend Dental Medication.

-There are some things that can't be included and transcended. For everything else, there's Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber escaped from a secret government mind control project upon vaporizing the brains of his captors after they accepted his challenge to a subtle death match. The head of the program went on the become the 43rd and 44th president of the Unites States.

-God blasphemes by taking the name of Ken Wilber in vain.

-Ken Wilber is the lovechild of the Supermind and a quantum version of Deep Blue.

-Prada's Fall collection was inspired by Miuccia's I-WET dream about Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber is actually a prototype of Vidyuddeva, who is regarded by authorities to be the Maitreya version.

-When Ken Wilber farts, it sounds like a Tuvan singing Kargryaa. Anyone within ten feet will have their bones shaken and their chakras aligned.


Rare Photos of Ken Wilber

In 1997, an unprecedented series of crop-circles began to appear in farmlands outside of Wilshire, England. They were crude at first, just simple circles - but as time went on they became much more elaborate and culminated in the crop-circle pictured below.

In the following year Alex Grey published his now famous image of Ken below...


Stuart Davis was a slightly better attempt to clone Ken Wilber, which is why Ken Wilber affectionately refers to Stuart Davis as "mini-me"

Ken Wilber was a close personal friend of Gene Roddenberry, and is purported to have inspired the Star Trek universe. Out of gratitude for the great Star Trek ideas coming from Ken, Gene arranged many screen tests over the years. The following are various snapshots from some of Ken's failed screen tests:

This shot was taken during a Wilber phase where he was grappling with his soon to be pivotal theory of Transcend and Include (He first thought it was Transcend and Assimilate)

This movie is slotted to be made after Grace and Grit:

Wheaties may be the breakfast of champions, but Special Ken is the breakfast of gurus! With hearty flakes, made from the finest monastery-grown wheat, no preservatives, and an enlightened blend of naturally subtle sweeteners, Special Ken is a great way to start any ILP!


Integral Sniglets

Ad misrepresentum: the common and frequent use of misinterpretation and misrepresentation to critique the work of Ken Wilber - Example: Too many to list

Boulderdash (props to Coolmel for this term): the exodus of people relocating to the hub/ground zero of the integral movement: Boulder/Denver, CO.

Cohenoscopy: a technique similar to cranial-sacral therapy used to suppress and/or remove the haunting cackle of guru Andrew Cohen from patients’ brains.

Deidafied: the feelings of inadequacy experienced when after reading David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man you realize how mediocre of a man you are.

Greenophobe: those who upon learning the description of the Spiral Dynamics green meme become afraid of associating with anything or anyone considered too “green”

Homo Sapiens Integralis: a newly evolving form of the homo sapiens species (mostly male) that constantly bore their friends and significant other with endless babble about AQAL, levels and lines or states and stages; spends most of their free time reading integral books, papers or watching/listening to integral material rather than engaging, relating to and helping others.

Multiple Voice Disorder (MVD) : a temporary psychological condition brought on by Genpo Roshi’s Big Mind process that may cause your various selves/voices to start talking to one another in front of friends and family

Quadrantis Syndrome: the inexplicable constant need to categorize any and all phenomenon into four quadrants (or the Big Three, or I, We and It). - Example: At dinner the other night I suddenly drew four boxes and did an integral indexing of the inside/outside of the individual/collective aspects of the Ruby Tuesday restaurant.

STD or Spiral Too Dynamicus: the condition developed after exposure to the Spiral Dynamics virus; symptoms include haphazardly using the SD colors to overgeneralize and label people, events, movies, organizations, religions and anything else imaginable. - Also includes using colors to inaccurately label morals, cognition, needs and other lines of development.

Stumoon: the unexpected and unpredictable appearance of the naked body and/or ass of Stuart Davis

Wilberium: a naturally occurring phenomenon that affects people (usually males) after reading books by Integral philosopher Ken Wilber and causes them to want to dress, look and talk like said Ken Wilber. - Example: Your friend that just read One Taste and saw Ken’s latest video on IN who proceeded to shave his head bald, buy a Q-Link pendent, drink Red Bull, wear sleeveless tees and shop at Armani. Also likes to say “fuck” and “everybody is right” a lot. (Purple shades are optional)

Quadscotch: a popular Integral game where you draw four quadrants on the sidewalk, roll boulders into them and then then jump around on one foot chanting and waving at your friends, without touching the lines (or levels).

Meditation alert bracelet: worn by serious meditators so that the firefighters know not to move them.

Previously Unreleased Ken Wilber Jokes

In light of this celebration of Ken Wilber humor, we have decided to divulge the truth about all those “Chuck Norris” jokes you have seen on the internet. We wrote them all about Ken just over three and a half years ago. And, yes, they are all true. We sold the rights to Chuck Norris because we felt sorry for him and we needed money to start Integral Naked. Below is a selection of the best ones:

-Ken Wilber's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Ken Wilber can kill him and take it.

-Ken Wilber once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Again, he is sorry about this.

-Ken Wilber doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-If you ask Ken Wilber what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Ken Wilber instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

-Ken Wilber appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Ken replied, "That's no glitch."

-Ken Wilber lost his virginity before his dad did.

-Ken Wilber sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Ken roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Ken Wilber--more than meets the eye, Ken Wilber--robot in disguise," and starred Ken Wilber as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a Mercedes SUV. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

-Ken Wilber is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-It was once believed that Ken Wilber actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Ken Wilber himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

-Ken Wilber recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Ken Wilber.

-If you can see Ken Wilber, he can see you. If you can't see Ken Wilber, you may be only seconds away from death.

-On the 7th day, God rested....and Ken Wilber took over.

-Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Ken Wilber.

-If you want a list of Ken Wilber's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

-Ken Wilber has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

-If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Ken Wilber.

-Ken Wilber is Luke Skywalker's real father.

-Ken Wilber does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

-Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Ken Wilber roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

-Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Ken Wilber. Ken showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

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